PREGNANCY AFTER LOSS ANXIETY
We are never truly alone in our heartbreak…even though it can sometimes feel like we are
“IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD. THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT”
If you’ve ever heard any words like this at an ultrasound appointment, you know that the feeling you had in that moment is not soon forgotten…I’d say never forgotten.
So when you get pregnant again, releasing the anxiety and nervousness that you’re going to hear those words a second time at some point along the line is an ongoing journey.
I got asked a lot over the course of my pregnancy how it felt to be pregnant after a loss and if I’m able to have peace of mind.
The answer is complicated.
There were days when my peace of mind was so present and then days where my anxiousness prevented me from thinking about anything else.
The further I got into my pregnancy the more I figured I’d be able to relax, and this was true to an extent simply because of odds and percentages and all those “facts” about the likelihood of miscarriage. Most of those numbers I actually worked to avoid at all costs, I have never been a google-er when it comes to things like this…I was just assuming that the further along I got the less likely losing the baby became.
I was, however, thankful my clinic didn’t harp on “kick counts”. They gave some basic numbers for how often you should feel your baby move in an hour, but they mostly focused on telling me to take notice of whether my baby was moving in the ways and patterns that I had come to find familiar according to his rhythms. I liked this approach because as a very Type A person I can imagine myself getting extremely overthink-y when it came to a “kick count”.
“Was that big enough to count?”
“Did I just go over an hour of time so now I have to start my counting over?”
“Should I just sit here all day and do this?” (LOL But I’m sure I would’ve wanted to)
Pregnancy forced me to learn a whole new layer of taking my thoughts captive. I’ve worked on and developed that skillset in the past, but transparently it’s never before been something I’ve done DAILY.
All throughout my pregnancy I knew that God had me, I knew things were in his hands and no matter what happened I’d be taken care of, but my prayers were still full of thank you in advance for one particular outcome. A healthy baby, carried to term and delivered vaginally.
Something about thanking God in advance increases my peace of mind. If I thank Him in advance, because I know He’s more than capable of delivering what I’m asking for, I feel like He almost has to come through.
Is that manipulative? I know we cannot manipulate God, but sometimes I feel guilty about that thought process.
Not to say everything I thank Him for in advance comes to pass, and deep down I know of course that not every prayer gets answered the way we want it to or in OUR timing, but something about being bold enough to thank Him before what I’m hoping for happens, stretches my faith and helps me live with more peace.
Anyway, taking my thoughts captive…
This is going to probably sound silly but there is this quick visualization I do when I start to get swirling thoughts that I know are led by anxiety and fear. I quickly imagine a huge butterfly net doing a sweep of my brain and catching all of the thoughts that aren’t serving me. You know in Pocahontas when she’s singing “Colors of the Wind” how you can visually see the wind? That’s what I picture as the Holy Spirit guiding the net to catch all the thoughts that need to get out.
Call me crazy, but my mind truly feels cleaner and clearer after I do this.
After I do that “sweep” of my mind, I choose a verse to meditate on to fill in the space that was left behind by the anxious thoughts.
It’s simple and kind of silly, but it’s something I would quickly do almost daily when I was pregnant and it made a huge difference for me.
(It’s also something I did in the season right after I lost my brother, and when I went through the ending of my previous marriage…I’m not sure where the idea for the visualization came from, but the fact that it was so simple and could be done anywhere, anytime, made me feel more in control of my emotions on a daily basis)
God’s help has always been essential for me to be able to harness my thoughts
As humans, once we’ve experienced something, especially something painful, that experience is embedded in our hearts and minds and it changes us…
So is it ever really possible to completely eliminate the nervousness during pregnancy after you’ve lost a baby? No, I don’t think it is.
And I also think that’s okay.
My task oriented brain wishes I had a concrete, “Do these 5 things for creating peace of mind through pregnancy after a loss!” headline to share, but we’re HUMAN. We’re not perfect. Our minds aren’t perfect. Our thoughts aren’t perfect.
But we’re also not alone. YOU are not alone in your experience. You’re not alone in your anxiousness. You’re simply not alone.
No matter how hard the enemy may be trying to make you think that you are.
Even if you don’t know them, there is someone out there who is experiencing the same kind of pain that you are, at the exact same time that you are. Maybe it’s weird, but that thought has always made me feel less isolated through the heartbreaks of life that are inevitable this side of eternity.
And I’m not just talking about pregnancy anxiety. I’m talking about in ANYTHING that is causing you anxiety or pain in your life right now.
You are not alone. And you are deeply loved.
I’m in your corner.
WE THINK YOU’LL ENJOY. . .
