COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

**This post is all about methods to break the habit of comparison in our daily thought life.**

Do you want to let go of the habit of comparing yourself and your life outcomes to those of the people around you, people you see on social media, even to the version of yourself that you THINK you should be? Breaking that thought pattern is an ongoing process, but we’re going to scratch the surface of it today. Let’s dive in!

Aaaahhhh, comparison. Do you ever wonder if there is anyone out there who is completely free from this joy stealing habit? I haven’t met anyone in my lifetime. If it’s you and you’re reading this, call me and give me the secret. Please and thank you.

I don’t know if there is a human out there who, naturally, doesn’t compare themselves to anyone. In my experience, releasing comparison is an intentional practice that we can improve and grow, but to be born without that comparison chip…I personally don’t think that’s a thing.

When we play the comparison game, we steal joy from ourselves (Thank you, Teddy Roosevelt, for the “comparison is the thief of joy” quote) and it’s an impossible game to win. We will always come up short, as Simon Sinek says, because all this game does is exaggerate our insecurities.

We have no one to blame but us for the misery that comes from this kind of thinking. Realizing that comparing is a practice, something my mind had gotten so used to doing that I thought it was uncontrollable, set me free from this nasty cage I had built for myself. (That and a lot of help from counselors. I am a product, albeit not a finished one, of the people I choose to put myself around and the guidance I seek out).

Who am I to Be Writing About Comparison?

My background is in professional dance and musical theatre…. if that’s not an industry that is RIDDLED with comparison traps, I don’t know what is. Going into my college dance program is the first memory I have of starting to compare myself to others on a regular basis.

Comparing my technique. Comparing my body. Comparing what roles I was cast in. Comparing my personality. Comparing my networking abilities. You name it, I compared it.

By the end of college my confidence in what I brought to the table as a professional performer had grown immensely, but I hadn’t yet dipped my toe into the New York City audition pool…

Once I was deep into the audition circuit the comparison habit had grown even stronger than It was in college. I compared EVERYTHING about myself. Truly. EVERYTHING. To those around me.

I was so stuck on wanting to live someone else’s path that I missed the joy of my own.

Just because someone has similar goals to us does not mean that our paths are going to look anything alike, or that we’re going to be able to emulate what got someone else the success that we’re now working towards. We can certainly learn mindset from people who guide and mentor us, but that mindset will be applied to a completely different journey.

And that is the beauty of it. Without each of our varied purposes the world is missing something. I know it’s corny, but let’s not deprive the world of our unique giftings and purposes because we are so focused on someone else’s.

Because I’ve asked people who are much wiser than me about how to combat the comparison game, I have a few defense mechanisms I employ when comparison starts to rear its ugly head.

1. Celebration

One of my favorite ways to control my thought life is to celebrate those to which I compare myself. So, say I’m having a conversation with a friend who APPEARS to be in a season of reaping while I’m in a season of sowing.

Where does my mind immediately go?...

“Why don’t I have that?”
“Why isn’t my life as fun as theirs?”
“Why do they have more blessings than me when I believe I work harder than they do?”
“Why is everything easier for them than it is for me?”

These things are kind of embarrassing to type out, but I’ve had all those thoughts and then some at one point or another. About people who I really love!

What I discovered from allowing thoughts like this to run their course is that they open up footholds in our hearts for jealousy and envy. Once jealousy and envy take hold, relationships can become increasingly strained and just plain ‘ol awkward.

Not to mention the heart sickness that is now growing roots and shutting us off from the blessings we so desire.

So instead of walking down that path of comparison, take hold of those thoughts and change them to thoughts of celebration…

“How incredible that they are able to have that. They deserve it! This is even more evidence that God has blessings coming my way like that too.”

“It’s incredible that they’re in a season of reaping. They put in the work and earned the ability to have some fun and I’m doing the same things, so my fun is just around the corner!”

“Behind closed doors I bet they’ve worked their buns off. I should ask them about the effort that was put in to have the blessings they’re receiving now”

“I have been working very hard and they must be too. How do I want them to respond to me when I’m sharing a victory with them? I’ll show them the same kind of respect and excitement!”

Celebration, just like comparison, is something to which we can train our brains to default. We feel that little bubble of jealousy trying to work its way up to the surface and we push it right back down and drown it with celebration.

PLUS, when we are surrounded with people who are achieving and growing it’s only a matter of time until it’s our turn. IF we’re also putting in the work required of course. Power of association baby!!

If we’re sitting around pouting about what we don’t have, why would God bless us with more? Our gratitude towards what we do have demonstrates our maturity and ability to handle the next level of blessing.

While we’re on the God topic, I heard it said that if we could see the plans God has for our lives we would never waste one second comparing His plan for us to His plan for someone else or being jealous of someone else’s plan. Not only because it makes us miserable, but also because it’s insulting to Him!

**“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” 2 Corinthians 10:5**

2. Journaling

This may get a few eye rolls, long sighs, or any other kind of body language that comes out when something sounds tedious and awful. I get it. I was not a journal-er…

Until one of my counselors led me through a process of forgiveness/excavational journaling that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but ended up cleaning out an extreme amount of heart garbage from within me that I wasn’t even aware of.

(That’s not necessarily what I’m suggesting you do here, but wow, if you want to be transformed from the inside out, get this book and do everything it says… The Process by Bill Hoffman*)

The kind of journaling I’m talking about here is reflective journaling. Lessons you’ve learned over the last few years of your life. Ways you’ve grown. People, books, podcasts that have helped you grow. Relationships that have blossomed and changed for the better. Maybe some relationships that drifted apart. Experiences and circumstances that changed you in some way.

I have a feeling once you start writing, the ways you have progressed in your life over the last handful of years are going to become increasingly clearer to you and you’re going to see that you’ve come much further than you give yourself credit for.

3. Gratitude

So simple, yet so hard at the same time when you are not seeing the outcomes in your life you’re hoping for.

But this really is a very easy practice…write down what you’re grateful for everyday to remind yourself of all the blessings that you DO have.

If you want an extra challenge include the people you most often compare yourself to on your list of what you’re grateful for. Bonus points if you write down why you’re grateful for them. Double bonus points when you pray over this list and ask God to reveal to you why you always default to comparison when it comes to these people… (Get ready for some revelation if you’re bold enough to ask for this and mean it!)

4. Analyze

Take notice of what triggers your comparison thought patterns.

Is it social media?
Is it when you’re at work?
Is it at social events with friends?
Is it when you’re with certain family members?

Figure out what sends you on a comparison spiral so when you’re walking into one of those situations you can arm yourself and prepare in advance the thought patterns you will engage to combat it.

I know it’s not always possible, but if you’re able to eliminate the triggers from your routine, try it and see if your week goes any differently.

Talk to yourself out loud if you can! When the thoughts come, talk your mind out of the lies it is spinning and replace them with a thought that is true.

Ex. “Mary is so much more engaging than me when we are out together, I wish I could interact with people and be as outgoing as she is.”

Replace this with a true thought…

”I have been intentionally designed with a specific temperament that has equipped me to connect with people. It may be different than the way Mary’s temperament is designed, but it is no less valuable.”

Our thoughts create our reality, and when we speak our thoughts out loud consistently, they create deeper neural pathways that can change our thought patterns permanently. (Not my area of expertise so check out any number of books on neuroplasticity for proof of this from the experts)

In closing, comparison is a natural human pattern we can break when we build the habit of taking our thoughts captive. Changing these neural pathways is not something that happens overnight, but if we are tuned into our thoughts and are making intentional efforts to control them we will get there. I read something recently in my notes from a sermon I heard that said, “If you’re struggling to overcome negative thoughts, that does not mean you are not changing. The fact that you’re fighting proves that you are.” I can’t remember whose words those are, but I think they’re massively encouraging!

If you employ any of the methods I talked about in this post, please reach out to me and let me know if they are helping you.

I am in your corner!

*The link included in the post above is an Amazon affiliate links, which means I'll receive a commission if you purchase through my link, at no extra cost to you.*