CHOOSING A SPOUSE
We get asked often how we knew we should get married. This decision is very personal and there is no one size fits all, but in this post I share how we decided that we wanted to commit to one another for the rest of our lives.
HOW DO WE KNOW WE ARE CHOOSING OUR SPOUSE WELL?
We get asked ALL the time how we knew that God wanted us to get married, how I knew Micah was “the one” or vice versa.
Who else has heard the phrase, “When you know, you know.” in response to this question?
I certainly heard this answer a LOT as a teenager and young adult, which sort of made me think I was going to have this fireworks, heavens-opening-up moment when I met the person I was going to marry.
That was not the case on mine or Micah’s end. It was a much more gradual conclusion which, if you’re a hopeless romantic can seem less fun, but breeds immense confidence and a very strong foundation before the marriage even begins.
If you did have a clouds parting, love-at-first-sight moment when you met your spouse that is fantastic! I’m simply speaking on my own experience.
I will start with the idea that I am not a believer in “soulmates” in the usual sense of the word. I do believe there are people out there with whom we are able to create very unique spiritual connections, I actually think those relationships are more often friendships than romantic, but I don’t believe there is one perfect person out there for each of us.
There are a number of people on earth God would be pleased with us marrying, but we ultimately get to decide who we want to commit to over and over and over and over again, day-in and day-out for the rest of our lives.
With this thought process, then how did I come to the decision that Micah was that person for me?
As I’ve written about before, I was married before Micah which taught me a LOT and was a catalyst that turned me into a completely different person for the better.
The way that marriage ended was a unique experience, you can read more about that here, but as I went on my healing journey, I realized that Nick and I never really had the convos that I think are VITAL when it comes to building a marriage that is equally yoked.
Our wedding day was beyond what we could’ve imagined, and I believe a lot of that had to do with the work we put in to start building a healthy marriage before we were ever even engaged.
So what was different with Micah?
From the beginning of building our friendship, Micah and I talked about our faith, the fact that we were both Christians, and that it was something important to us. That was actually a conversation we had before being more than friends was even on the table because it just came up as we were getting to know each other.
BUT just because we were both Christians didn’t mean we knew how to build a healthy relationship. So once we did start dating, we still had maaaaany miscommunications and bad patterns that caused a lot of issues.
When we chose to eliminate sex from our relationship, (Well, Micah chose, it took me some time to get on board, ha! I dive deep into that decision here.) that was the beginning of us getting on a path towards being a healthy couple.
We filled the time we would’ve been connecting physically with conversations about goals, life, financial desires, travel dreams, if we wanted kids, how we wanted to raise them, ultimately the vision we had for ourselves as individuals and our eventual marriage.
Whether that would be to each other, we didn’t know yet.
Seeking out mentors and counselors who could help us grow as individuals, was another KEY ingredient to us realizing that committing to each other was something we believed to be a great choice.
Not only did this demonstrate to one another that a potential spouse was open to being under someone wiser’s counsel, which was a major MUST for both of us, but this helped us to evolve into two healthy, self-aware individuals before diving into becoming engaged and adding the dynamics that come with that choice.
As humans, we are never “done”. We can always grow, change, and improve, but for Micah and I, knowing that we were on that growth path together and that we had the guidance of people who had built healthy, lasting marriages was enough for us to feel confident in the decision to get engaged and married.
Wouldn’t be our wedding if there wasn’t some kind of goofy performance aspect!
Summing it up…
There doesn’t have to be a fireworks moment or love at first sight feeling when you meet your future spouse.
Talk about values, vision, ambition level, finances, kids, etc BEFORE you decide to commit
Become a healthy individual and make sure your potential partner is doing/willing to do the same. Particularly if you’re someone who values counsel/guidance…talk about whether your partner does as well and see if their actions match their words.
THEN the theory of “when you know, you know” is something that is experienced in a beautiful, peace-that-passes-understanding kind of way!
WE THINK YOU’LL ENJOY . . .
